January 21-22 - Ashton Kutcher punk'd Demi and all the other folks out at Sundance, and flew off to New York to announce the nominations for AOL Moviefone’s Moviegoer Awards. Coincidentally, actress Amy Smart was also there. Funny how that works, isn’t it? They probably want you to call Moviefone and buy tickets to their new time-traveling flick, The Butterfly Effect. Kutcher may have discovered a new career move. After repeating the familiar “Hello, and welcome to Moviefone” refrain a few times, he deadpanned, “I’m pretty good at this. Maybe in my next career I’ll be the Moviefone guy.” “Hey, hey!” piped up Russ Leatherman, the current voice of Moviefone. Kutcher didn’t take many questions from reporters, so we’ll put our burning question here, maybe he’ll e-mail a reply: Ashton, what’s with the hat dude? We’re like, inside.”

Another sartorial mystery is the rabid tabloid attention to Martha Stewart’s unremarkable courtroom-appropriate attire. We’d carry a $12,000 purse if we had, say, Martha Stewart’s money. We’d also use a limousine and driver instead of the bus. If any of you tabloid reporters wouldn’t, please explain.

Speaking of clothing, first niece/fashion model Lauren Bush, heiress Amanda Hearst, designer Nicole Miller and gossip maven Cindy Adams were all in kimono drag at Doubles for the launch of the new fragrance, Shanghai. The perfume will be exclusively at Saks come February, and expensive.

We raced downtown to Capitale to catch singer/songwriter John Mayer's performance at a Starlight Children’s Foundation benefit. No word on whether Ashton Kutcher might have singing in his future.

January 13-14 – Along with singer, actress and dingbat, Jessica Simpson can add the title scientist to her resume. Her line of fragrances and body care products, called “Dessert”, hits stores in April, so pay down your credit cards. Dessert is a timesaving scientific breakthrough: It’s edible, so the busy woman can feed her lover and have sex all at once, thereby doing away with those awkward silences at the dinner table, and making that relationship with the bimbo/himbo in your life much longer lived. Just ask Simpson's husband, Nick Lachey. At a press conference to announce the new line, Simpson volunteered that she’s tried all the flavors, but clammed up when asked where she’d tasted them. “From the bottle”, she said simply. The tag line: “First you wear it. Then you share it”. Lachey demonstrated by licking her hand. Blech.

We’d settled our stomachs enough by that evening to check out Teen People’s What’s Next party at the cavernous new club Crobar, where Q-Tip, 3LW and Lindsay Lohan mixed with the younger soon-to-be household names of music, film and TV.

There was no soul food to be found at Bill Clinton’s Harlem offices when he announced an agreement with manufacturers to make HIV/AIDS drugs available at lower prices. AIDS is a major focus of his presidential foundation. The newly slimmed down ex-prez told us he started with the Atkins diet but then switched to the South Beach diet, works out four days a week with a German trainer, and feels great. A downside to the diet plan: no beer allowed. Jessica Simpson is currently in the lab conducting tests to see whether edible body lotions are allowed in these low-carb diets.

Alec Baldwin & Shohreh Aghdashloo

January 13 – Central Park could have passed for Hollywood on Tuesday evening, when the National Board of Review threw its annual gala at Tavern on the Green. Among those picking up awards were Sean Penn, Diane Keaton, Alec Baldwin, Patricia Clarkson, Paul Giamatti and Charlize Theron. Attendees included Laura Linney, Hope Davis, Liv Tyler, Claire Danes, Lauren Bacall, Denis Leary and scads of directors and screenwriters. Clint Eastwood’s Mystic River was voted best film, and Eastwood presented Morgan Freeman with a lifetime achievement award.

We’re a bit over the Lord of the Rings gang, who we’ve seen about a hundred times in the past few weeks, but we just had to ask Andy Serkis if he brought “the ring” with him. (Director Peter Jackson gave Serkis the prop ring used in the film.) “Yeah, I did”, he said, laughing. Awardee Sofia Coppola had the best accessory – fashion designer Marc Jacobs on her arm. We asked him the theme of his next collection. “I have no idea”, Jacobs told us. But the fashion shows are in less than a month, we nagged. “I have no idea”, he repeated. More fashion news: Clint’s wife Dina Eastwood told us that she bought her Luca Luca suit herself, out of her own savings. “I would never ask Clint to pay for my frivolities”, she told us, as Eastwood kept glancing over his shoulder at her while he was being interviewed nearby. Kim Cattrall was there, but should be off to Paris momentarily, where Sex and the City is shooting some episodes right now.

January 8-12 – Even with all their money and fame, Jay-Z and Beyonce Knowles stuck around freezing New York this holiday season, just like us average folks. We checked in with the hip-hopping pair on Christmas day (see below), and on January 8 they seemed in good spirits at Madison Square Garden, even though the Houston Rockets trampled the Knicks, 111-79. Of course, with chauffeured limousines and penthouses, their city existences are not exactly like our subway-riding, slush-trudging ones. Frankly, we love them and all, but we’d have dumped them for a warm beach in a New York minute.

Some celebrities even had to work outside in the arctic cold this week. Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore were re-shooting some wedding scenes from their upcoming Laws of Attraction on Saturday, and with a high of 13° Fahrenheit, we’ve never seen a film crew move so quickly. Ironically, to match the scenes shot last summer – we were on the set with them in August when the lights went out – they strew flowers along the frozen street, and the extras had to take their coats off. Between shots, Brosnan kept warm inside a red Humvee and Moore in a limo. Susan Sarandon was shivering not far away in lower Manhattan, shooting Noel.

January 9-11 – Another year, another birthday. The New York Times wants to talk with you. Placido Domingo and Tim Robbins sing Happy Birthday to you. Same old, same old. Rocker Dave Matthews’ 37th birthday fell on January 9, the same day that he, Robbins and Domingo appeared on separate stages at the New York Times’ arts & leisure weekend. These are not performances, but talks with Times journalists in front of an audience, sort of like a live Charlie Rose show. Among the luminaries the Times packed into the three days were composer Stephen Sondheim, authors Toni Morrison and Jonathan Franzen, Broadway stars Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane, playwrights Nilo Cruz, Tony Kushner and Terrence McNally, Segway scooter inventor Dean Kamen and director Michael Moore. Due to the severely cold weather (thanks, Canada), Volkswagon, one of the program’s sponsors, provided a fleet of their new Taureg SUVs to shuttle the VIPs around town.

January 10-12 – We thought we were sitting on a scoop when Andy Serkis reverently handed Elijah Wood a ring at a screening of Lord of the Rings: Return of the King – you know, all the news lately about gay marriage and all. But turns out it was only that ring, the one everyone’s chasing after in the LOTR trilogy. Oh well, we’ll save money on wedding gifts. Anyway, the Film Society of Lincoln Center invited us to this screening, but it was actually an entire LOTR weekend, with various cast members roaming around amidst adoring cult members, er, we mean fans. We asked Sean Astin how it feels to be a part of a cultural phenomenon (LOTR, not gay marriage). “Actually, when I look at the line of photographers, it doesn’t make sense to me. Why are there so many photographers? One of our hosts said, ‘Well, it’s Lincoln Center’, and you think, oh, OK.” We assured him that, to the contrary, it’s Lord of the Rings, and that we were there to see them, whereupon a colleague whispered that we should have told him we were really there to see Liv Tyler, who didn’t show.

Liv and her husband Royston Langdon did join Astin, Wood et al the next evening for the New York Film Critics Circle awards dinner, where LOTR was named best picture. Best director Sofia Coppola, best actress Hope Davis and American Splendor’s Paul Giamatti were among the film types at Noche for the dinner.

Andy Serkis is apparently fully aware of the cultural weight of the Rings trilogy. We found him flashing that ring around again the following day at a Barnes & Noble bookstore, where he signed copies of his book, Gollum: A Behind the Scenes Guide to the Making of Gollum (The Lord of the Rings). We couldn't help wondering how much that ring would bring on E-bay, if only we could have snatched it.

January 5-6 – Once our new year hangovers had cleared, we noticed that super-Friend Jennifer Aniston was in town, reportedly for two weeks. She appeared on Late Night with David Letterman to promote her new comedy, Along Came Polly, and hosted Saturday Night Live on the 10th. No Brad sightings yet, but you’ll be the first to know.

Maybe it was just mad, er, bad taste, but check out the cow-print cloak on Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly’s infant son Stellan in the photo at left.

We joined singer/actress Mandy Moore and her Chasing Liberty costar, Brit Matthew Goode, at the NBA store where they read to fifty second-grade students. They read from Moore’s childhood favorite, titled “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”. Moore said she’s glad that Chasing Liberty’s comedic plot depends on an ensemble of actors, because “I’m terribly unfunny”. After the reading, the actors took questions from the kids, and we realized the room was full of budding journalists: aside from reading, Moore’s favorite hobby is shopping, and Goode likes playing golf.

There was lots of famous muscle flexing at Chelsea Piers that evening at the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s Muscle Team gala. With athletes like NY Giants Jesse Palmer and Dhani Jones and others on hand, all the attention was focused on Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Petra Nemcova. How much attention? Someone bid over $20,000 for an evening with the beauty, proceeds to the MDA.

We hailed a golf cart and chugged over to Madison Square Garden to find Chloe Sevigny practicing on the (plastic) greens, swinging for the Children’s Miracle Network. This was a miniature golf classic hosted by hockey star Eric Lindros of the New York Rangers. Pssst Chloe, that hunky Matthew Goode likes golf…

December 24-25 – Yo Santa, nice sleigh! And your elf is pretty hot! Forget reindeer, chimneys and that open-air unheated sleigh; at Brooklyn’s Marcy Homes, they do Christmas with style. Santa arrived in a shiny black Bentley and handed out toys to the kids. Oh, and Santa’s little helper was Beyonce Knowles. Rapper Jay-Z, who grew up at the public housing complex, spent a good chunk of Christmas day there - expecting only to make a quick stop, he and girlfriend Beyonce ended up staying for three hours, talking and joking with the kids, and making sure that everyone got a gift. (We were hoping he'd give us that Bentley.) The visit was Jay-Z’s idea, and Beyonce tried not to upstage him, staying quietly on the sidelines. We barely noticed her….

Former mayor Rudy Giuliani is so much more organized than Jay-Z that he didn’t need to bring along any superstar helpers on Christmas eve, when he read to kids at Hale House, an organization for children whose parents cannot care for them. The program was Twas the Night Before Christmas, natch.