New York, April 3, 2006 – We haven’t been to church in ages, and look how much fun we’ve been missing. At Synod Hall of St. John the Divine Cathedral, men in kilts insisted their legs weren’t cold, despite the windy, rain-swept weather at the Dressed to Kilt fashion show. The Scots muttered that the cold stormy Tartan Day was just like home, and the charming host, Johnnie Walker, kept everybody warm.

Between the horrendous acoustics, the emcees’ thick Scottish accents, and the open bar, it was difficult to understand what was being said, but Sean Connery told a bawdy story about how his wife, Micheline, ripped her shirt off the first time he met her.

New Jersey-bred Anne Hathaway and Scottish actor James McAvoy – he played the Faun in Narnia – sent greetings via satellite from Dublin, where they’re shooting a film.

Donald Trump was a surprise judge; they weren’t sure he’d be able to make it. Now that he’s developing a golf course in Aberdeen, The Donald is getting all Scottish on us, but not enough to show some leg. When we inquired if he would be wearing a kilt that evening, he replied with typical modesty, “I should. I have great legs.” Alas, he remained in his suit.

Scottish father and son actors Brian and Alan Cox did the rear-exposing honors this year. Last year’s butt-barer, Darius Danesh, modeled, but kept his skirt in place this time. The Today show’s Ann Curry revealed her inner Braveheart, swinging a sword on the runway while wearing a hot leather kilt. Hunky Welsh-born Access Hollywood correspondent Tim Vincent looked just as good without pants.

Legendary British racecar driver Sir Stirling Moss made a rare appearance, and sent a remote-controlled Mercedes Benz auto down the runway ahead of him, to the accompaniment of that Janis Joplin “Oh Lord, Won’t You Buy Me…” song. Perfect for church.