Miami, August 28 – MTV certainly has matured as it has grown, and perhaps more so in this conservative, post-Janet Jackson era. And, with all of the anticipation, outrageous parties, yachts, shootings and over-the-top celebrating, the Video Music Awards show itself was the accounting firm of awards shows. Everybody was on their best behavior backstage. No drama, no tears, no wardrobe malfunctions beyond Lindsay Lohan’s and Gwen Stefani’s unfortunate joint wearing of animal prints, but that’s more of a lifestyle choice and we’re open-minded.

Jake Gyllenhaal was busy, so Kirsten Dunst made do with Orlando Bloom for the evening. Nelly ran into an old friend, Annette Funicello, who is the personification of Miami Beach’s mid-twentieth century heyday. “Your arms are getting big”, Annette complimented the hip hop artist on his physique.

What’s that? Oh, excuse us just a moment.

We’re back. It seems that woman with Nelly was actually Desperate Housewives’ Eva Longoria. Well, she looked just like Annette. Brava, Eva.

Back in the current century, Kanye West must have arrived at the American Airlines Arena in a bus. His posse of about 40 people spilled out onto the white carpet, engulfing other celebs we know were there, but got swept away in the Kanye flow. West came into the press room after the show had ended, and, claiming he wanted to do something different in a photo, asked around for a cigar. (The cigar must be Kanye’s new schtick – he was puffing on one when he arrived.) No one had one, and he refused to kiss his award trophy, so just held the thing up and looked at the camera, accountant-like.

We also saw Destiny’s Child, whose farewell tour is beginning to rival Cher’s – we’ll see the “broken up” group next in three days at the World Music Awards, followed by two L.A. concerts, and again on September 8 at the Fashion Rocks concert in New York.