New York, June 23 – The Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Romance chugged through town, culminating Thursday with a big, New York red carpet welcome. There were so many people interested in The Romance, that they rented out the Ziegfeld Theater just to accomodate everyone who wanted to learn that Tom and Katie are In Love. Those excited about Tom and Katie’s Romance included Tim Robbins, Steven Spielberg, and cute little Dakota Fanning, who all took time out from promoting some big, expensive movie just to celebrate The Romance.

And we too were so happy to be there, and just being in the presence of this Happy Couple made us want to know so many things about Katie Holmes. For instance, Katie, didn’t you get bored standing there for over two hours smiling vapidly while your fiancé gave interviews and schmoozed with fans? And Katie, if you were going to stand five feet behind Tom, saying nothing and smiling while he conducted interviews, why didn’t you just go on inside the air-conditioned theater and sit down? And if you really had to stand there, saying nothing and smiling vacantly for over two hours, why didn’t you wear flats? And what did your assistant do all that time? Wasn't she bored?