New York, May 14-20 – New York became TV Land this week as the networks wooed advertisers for next fall with lavish parties packed with stars. Known as “Upfronts”, big advertisers sit through butt-numbing presentations of both successful shows and new ones to be introduced in September, clips are shown and the talent blows air-kisses. This is really about the television business; statistics, demographics and ratings are tossed around, but the stars are there, so we were too.

We’ll skip the numbers and get to the good stuff. The networks really pull out all the stops – for instance, CBS rented out Carnegie Hall for their afternoon sales pitch, at the end of which out came Aretha Franklin, who belted a few numbers accompanied by full band, backup singers and 18-person gospel choir; then, CBS took over Tavern on the Green, with a spread worthy of the ancient Romans. They really want your money; ignoring the buffet and open bars, the network’s TV stars spent hours at the party posing for Polaroid photos with advertisers.

Swag suites were numerous around town; rest assured that your favorite celebrity got those Marc Jacobs sunglasses or that Bose headset for free. Bleary-eyed suits at UPN’s early morning presentation got an eyeful of Jennifer Lopez, who was there to promote a new drama she produced called South Beach. One of our favorite moments was watching Stacked stars Marissa Jaret Winokur and Pamela Anderson comparing their chest sizes at the Fox Upfront bash.