New York, Feb. 4-11 – Narciso Rodriguez, we need to talk about your fashion shows. Seriously, you’re one of the top American designers, but your shows are atrocious. Paris Hilton and Jerry Seinfeld are the best you can get in your front row? You told us that Sarah Jessica Parker is your very close friend. Couldn’t you send her a text message with the date and time of your show? Is she only wearing Gap these days? Really, you need to get on those invitations.

Marc Jacobs can give you some hints. He had Uma Thurman, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Drew Barrymore and Lil’ Kim hiding from paparazzi. We know you can do this, too, Narciso, if you just apply yourself. (Do be careful not to emulate Mr. Jacobs’ ninety-minute late start; that just pisses off real people who actually buy your clothing, and editors who let us all know how much we need it.)

Even that pisher Zac Posen learned this lesson at fashion school, and had Jay-Z, P. Diddy, Claire Danes, Ashley Olsen and Bette Midler(!) watching his frocks come down the runway on skinny girls.

In fact, Narciso, we’re going to stage an intervention, in which we’ll force you to watch videotapes of the Baby Phat and Luca Luca fashion shows. Once you see Missy Elliott, Mos Def, Lil’ Kim, Anne Hathaway and that perky little Ashley Olsen again, you’ll realign your priorities before your next show. You’ll be delighted at how having Janet Jackson in your front row, sulking and typing on her Sidekick – ala Bill Blass – will totally make everyone buy your stuff.